Alright so I finally sat down with that Dorian Valentino guide everyone kept raving about. Grabbed my notebook, cleared my messy table, and kinda figured “how hard could it be?” Man, was I naive.
Gathering the Stuff Like a Pack Rat
First step was digging through my makeup bag like an archaeologist. Needed that “minimalist, fresh” look the guide promised. Found my usual foundation, which is basically paint thinner consistency, then realized his method needs this super hydrating, dewy junk. Ended up mixing my cheap drugstore stuff with some moisturizer I found. Felt like a mad scientist stirring potions.
Tools were next disaster. His pictures showed these fluffy angel brushes. Mine looked like they lost a fight with a lawnmower. Dug out the least mangled blending brush, wiped it on my jeans “just to clean it” (don’t judge), and hoped for the best. Couldn’t find that contour stick he used either. Used an old eyeshadow stick I found. Close enough, right?
The Actual Face Painting Debacle
Started with the base thing. His guide talked about “pressing the primer into the skin with warmth from your hands.” Mine felt like I was smearing lard. Applied the foundation mix like he said – dots all over. Tried patting it in instead of rubbing. Felt weird. Looked like a ghost for a second. Panicked and patted harder. Lost all dewiness. Had to redo it.
Contour Chaos
Here’s where things truly imploded. Grabbed my sad little eyeshadow stick. Found those hollows under my cheeks? Pfft. Drew two muddy lines that looked like I got smacked. Grabbed the greasy blending brush. Started trying to “sheer out the edges” like the guide ordered. Instead, created two massive, smudgy brown streaks down my face. Resembled something dragged through mud. Wiped most of it off. Felt like crying. Added the tiniest whisper of product back, just patted it on gently with my finger this time. Less muddy, still slightly questionable.
Finishing Touches & Self-Reflection
Blush time was… fine? Just squeezed some cream blush on my finger, tapped it onto the apples of my cheeks. Easy. Felt like I finally won one. Lips were next. Guide preached precision. Used my usual technique: go outside the line, immediately panic. Used a q-tip to scrape off the overflow. Not elegant. Dusted some setting powder just under my eyes because he swore it stopped creasing. Mine still creased.
- What Bombed: My contour stick hack was awful. My blending brush sucks. And I still can’t draw a straight lip line.
- What Worked: The foundation + moisturizer mix actually looked decent once I didn’t panic-pat. The finger-blending for contour saved me.
Took me like 45 minutes. Felt exhausted. Looked… presentable? Maybe slightly more “put together” than usual? Not Valentino-level, that’s for damn sure. Learned you really do need decent tools – my brush was sabotaging me. And shortcuts like using the wrong contour shade? Disaster. Messy face painting requires patience I didn’t have that day. Worth trying again? Maybe… after I buy that fluffy $30 brush he uses.
