Okay so this project started totally random. I was scrolling through old YouTube clips late one night and stumbled on Dolly Parton’s 1983 Grammy performance. That sparkly blue dress and big blonde hair hit me like lightning. Right then I knew – I had to recreate her whole 80s glam look for my cousin’s retro birthday bash. Seriously, no second thoughts.
The Hunt Begins
First stop: thrift stores downtown. Dug through mountains of musty shoulder pads for three days straight. Found this hideous-but-perfect oversized white blazer with silver thread stripes at Goodwill. Score! Almost cried when I discovered matching rhinestone buttons at JoAnn Fabrics. Paid like two bucks for ’em.
Then came the wig nightmare. Ordered three cheap curly blondes online – looked like roadkill raccoons when they arrived. Finally splurged $60 on this monstrous synthetic beehive. Took forever teasing it with half a can of Aqua Net. Smelled like chemical warfare but stayed rock solid.
Cosmic Disaster Zone
Makeup trial run was brutal. Followed this vintage tutorial using my regular foundation. Bad move. Turned orange as a traffic cone under flash photography. Wasted two hours scrubbing it off with baby oil. Next attempt mixed in white clown makeup (don’t judge) – finally got that porcelain doll glow.
Worst part? Fake nails. Glued on these insane dagger-shaped rhinestone talons. Couldn’t peel a banana or text for two days. Dropped my phone like five times trying to pose.
Showtime Shenanigans
Party night rolled around sweating buckets in July heat. Had to sit upright in my buddy’s truck so the wig wouldn’t smoosh. Walked in doing my best Dolly hip swing – tripped on the leopard print heels immediately. Crowd went wild anyway. Got asked for seventeen selfies while fixing my lopsided lashes in the bathroom mirror.
Highlight? Karaoke butchering “9 to 5” with fake nails clicking the mic. Forgot half the lyrics but everybody cheered. Best part? Cousin didn’t recognize me till I did the signature hair flip gag. Worth every melted makeup drip.
Aftermath Thoughts
- Those 80s icons were warriors – how’d they breathe in corsets?
- Rhinestones shed everywhere like glitter herpes
- Maybe don’t wear 6-inch heels on grass next time
- Still finding hairspray crust in my ears three showers later
Totally doing this again for Halloween. Maybe 1977 Dolly next. Gotta start stockpiling wigs now.
