Some guy asks me last month why I only review serious art films, which is bullshit because I watched Godzilla Minus One twice. But whatever. Got me thinking – why not dig into those trashy sexy horror flicks everybody actually watches but pretends they don’t? Figured it’d be easy. Spoiler: It wasn’t.
The “Brilliant” Plan Starts
Grabbed my laptop, cracked open a beer, and just typed “hot scenes horror movies” into the search bar. Like an idiot. First ten pages were pure garbage. Mostly fake links and sketchy sites I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. My browser history now looked like something a teen would have. Great start.
Switched tactics. Started digging into old forums and movie databases nobody uses anymore. Found lists supposedly made by “experts.” Half the movies on ’em didn’t even exist, or the “sexy” scenes were literally two people holding hands in the dark. Waste of two hours right there.
The Deep Dive Into Pain
Okay, time to actually watch these damn things. Pulled up the usual streaming services. Typed in titles. Got hit with:
- “Content not available in your region.” (Thanks, licensing!)
- Straight-up deleted movies. Poof. Gone.
- The ones that were there? Cut to pieces. All the juicy bits missing. Like watching a burger commercial where they remove the actual burger.
Resorted to… other methods. Let’s just say I spent way too much time clicking through dodgy pop-ups and avoiding viruses that probably wanted my grandma’s banking details. Downloaded maybe five movies. Three had audio so bad it sounded like aliens talking through a tin can. One was just the wrong movie entirely.
The Actual Viewing Marathon (aka Suffering)
Settled in for a movie night. First flick: Classic 80s slasher. Waited. And waited. Finally, one pointless shower scene lasting maybe 45 seconds. Plot? Barely existed. Kills? Predictable. Felt like grading cardboard.
Next one promised “steamy” demonic possession. Got maybe 30 seconds of a torn shirt and some heavy breathing before it turned into a gorefest. Misleading? Absolutely. Dropped that one fast.
The pattern was clear: Either zero actual sexy stuff buried under terrible horror, or awkward softcore porn shoved into a barely-there spooky setting. Finding the sweet spot? Like finding a needle in a toxic haystack.
Compiling the “Masterpiece” List
Gave up after maybe 15 movies. My brain felt mushy. Ended up with a measly shortlist of films that kinda, sorta fit:
- A couple of vampires-doing-it flicks (mostly just boring).
- One zombie movie with a truly bizarre love scene involving… questionable practical effects.
- Two “erotic thrillers” masquerading as horror where the “scary” part was the acting.
- One genuinely fun creature feature where the creature design was way cooler than the obligatory boob shot.
Called it “Sexy Horror Guide.” Felt ridiculous typing that title. Wrote some snarky blurbs about each one, mostly complaining about the bad plots and missed opportunities. Highlighted the actual scenes worth seeing. Spoiler: The list was short.
The Grand Finale (Nobody Cared)
Hit publish. Felt like dropping a pebble into the ocean. Refreshed the stats page like a crazy person. Watched the views creep up… slowly. Ended the day with maybe 12 views. Twelve. My one buddy texted: “Dude, you just described every late-night Skinemax movie ever made.” Point taken. Felt like I ran a marathon just to trip at the finish line. Learned my lesson? Probably not. Still got a dumb list nobody asked for.
