This here thing, they call it a 70.3, it’s a real doozy. Ain’t no walk in the park, I tell ya. It’s like, you gotta swim, then you gotta ride one of them two-wheeled things, and then you gotta run. All in one go! Whew, just thinkin’ about it makes me tired.
They say it’s called a “Half Ironman”. Sounds tough, don’t it? Half of somethin’ called an Ironman. Sounds like somethin’ made outta metal, but it ain’t. It’s people doin’ it, swimmin’, bikin’, and runnin’ like they got ants in their pants.
Now, this swimmin’ part, it’s a long ways. They say it’s 1.2 miles. Don’t rightly know what a mile is, but it sounds far. Like walkin’ to the next town over to get a good deal on flour. And that’s just the start!
Then there’s the bikin’. 56 miles, they say. Lordy, that’s a whole heap of pedalin’. Makes my knees ache just thinkin’ about it. My old bones would not do that! Gotta be in tip-top shape for that kinda ride. Like chasin’ after a runaway hog, but for a whole lot longer. My old man used to say, never trust a man who rides a bike when he can walk!
And if that ain’t enough, you gotta run. 13.1 miles of runnin’. Just seems like a whole lot of fuss to me. Like when the cows get loose and you gotta chase ’em all over creation. Only in this case, there ain’t no cows, just a bunch of folks runnin’ for no good reason, far as I can tell.
They got a time limit, too. Gotta do it all in a certain amount of time, or you’re out. Like when you’re bakin’ a cake, gotta get it outta the oven before it burns. If you are too slow, you are not a good “Half Ironman”.
- Swimmin’ – gotta be done fast, like grabbin’ the last piece of pie at a potluck.
- Bikin’ – gotta pedal like the dickens, like you’re tryin’ to outrun a thunderstorm.
- Runnin’ – gotta keep them legs movin’, like you’re late for Sunday service.
70.3 time limit is important. They say the whole shebang takes most folks about 5 hours and 58 minutes, on average. That’s a long time to be doin’ somethin’ that ain’t sittin’ down and sippin’ sweet tea. And you need to be fast. If you want to finish this thing, you need to beat the time limit. If you are average, you will probably get a time around 6 hours.
Some folks, they got 8 hours and 30 minutes to do the whole thing, from start to finish. That’s the time limit, I reckon. Like givin’ a speech at a town meetin’ – gotta wrap it up before folks start noddin’ off. If you are slow, then you are not a good “Half Ironman”, I tell you.
There’s a time limit for each part, too. Like cookin’ different dishes for a big supper. Gotta time everything just right, or somethin’s gonna be cold and somethin’ else is gonna be burnt. They got these “waves” they start in. Don’t really know what that means but it sounds like somethin’ at the beach. They say the whole thing ends 8 hours and 30 minutes after the last “wave”. Like the tide goin’ out, I suppose. That is the total time limit for this thing.
And for the runnin’ part, they got 8 hours and 30 minutes after you start to finish it. Plus, they got these other time limits along the way. Like checkpoints, I guess. Gotta make it to each one before a certain time, or you’re out. Like a game of tag, only a whole lot more tiring.
They say this whole thing is 140.6 miles if you do the whole Ironman, but this here 70.3 is half of that. Sounds mighty confusin’ to me. But folks seem to like it. They say it’s a “challenge”. Like tryin’ to keep the crows outta your cornfield. A never-endin’ battle. But that is not what we are talkin’ about. We are talkin’ about the 70.3 time limit. And how fast you have to be to finish this thing.
They say if you plan it out real good, you can do this 70.3 thing by trainin’ about 10 hours a week. Like tendin’ to a garden – gotta put in the work if you want somethin’ to grow. But 10 hours! That’s a lot of time not spent relaxin’. That is a lot of time! But if you want to do this “Half Ironman”, you gotta train.
They got these different phases, too. “Base-trainin’”, “build phase”, “race-specific block”, and then somethin’ called a “taper”. Sounds like somethin’ you’d use to light a candle. But I guess it’s all part of the process. You need to train for 20 weeks if you want to do this “Half Ironman”. All that trainin’ just to meet the time limit. They do all this so they can finish this 70.3 time limit thing.
And if you’re a man between 30 and 34, the average time is 6 hours and 13 minutes. Don’t know why that matters, but I guess it does to some folks. That is a long time! More than 6 hours! But that is the average time, they say.
This whole 70.3 time limit thing, it’s a real head-scratcher. But I guess some folks like to push themselves. Me, I prefer a nice, slow pace of life. Like watchin’ the sunset from the porch swing. That’s my kind of race.
